The Puking Girl

Like any usual Friday nights, it was time to head out to party. Barney, KMo and I walked over to dithridge hoping to discover a magical person standing outside their door and asking us for five dollars. This was apparently not very magical as we found a place without trying much. It seemed like a great party at first: there were lots of people, canned beer so no line, and some pretty good looking girls (I was sober at this point and they are good looking, that’s saying something). I naturally started drinking, but the party ran out of beer and had to get a keg, which is a lot nastier beer. I still sucked it up and drank; you have no idea how five dollars can motivate you to drink the nasty shit, and of course I wanted to be drunk.

Just moments of getting there, Barney already started to talk to one chick. I remember thinking to myself: nice work buddy, but later I found out that was his friend that he had no chance with, tough luck. Then, out of nowhere, this girl started talking to me, her name is Lauren (I know, I’m impressed by myself that I remembered her name). We seemed to get along, I can’t remember what we talked about, but I can assure that it was useless.

The only thing I remember her telling me was that she wanted a cigarette, and KMo so happened to have two for the each of us. We took the cigarettes and headed to the porch, where I lit one up and had to pretend that I was smoking. I know I would regret that one cigarette the next day, but I also want a chance with that girl, so I compromised with myself and took that middle option. We smoked and talked, and soon enough, we started making out. The funny thing that I remember was a random guy on the porch asking me, “Do you like butts or boobs?” Out of nowhere, I grabbed her boobs and said I like these better, haha. I still chuckle when I think about this. She didn’t seem to mind. I remember thinking, “this would be my lucky night.” However, the night played itself out differently.

Sometime from 12 to 1AM, she started to look terrible. It was because my beer goggles were wearing off, she looked like she was about to vomit. I thought to myself, “I’m getting out of this one.” I’m pretty sure I heard her vomit just as I walked back into the party. After telling Barney and KMo about this, Barney thought it was cool that I stayed and did not leave him with no place to stay, bros before hoes right? But KMo was pissed because apparently, I have to seal the deal every time, even if the girl vomits.

KMo did not shut up about this the entire night, he talked through our walk to the O, and the walk back to Forbes Craig. Me and Barney just nodded and pretended we agree. When KMo left, I told Barney, “let’s just agree with him whatever he says, we can believe whatever the fuck we want.”

Here’s the weird part of the night, I had to pee, so we went into the cathedral lawn. I could have just peed next to a tree, I could have peed in a bathroom in the cathedral, and I could have even held it for just a bit longer until we get back. But no, I had to climb a tree, and pee off of it. I was damn glad I didn’t fell. Damn glad. I asked Barney the next morning, “why the fuck did you let me climb a tree when I was completely hammered?” It was a funny scene.