For those of you unfortunate enough to have never been to hofbrauhaus, I feel terribly sad for you. It is absolutely one of the best places to go, for the food, for some of the best beers in the world, and of course for drunk chicks looking to party. There are only three hofbrauhaus in the United States: Chicago, Las Vegas, and, of course, good old Pittsburgh. Hofbrauhaus is not a cheap man's hangout, the cheapest beer on the menu is five dollars for a half liter of beer. If you aren't prepared to go all out, I would suggest a local college bar during happy hour.
About a week ago, I was approached by my friend Little who was attending graduate school. He told me that the graduate school was hosting an event at hofbrauhaus, and I was able to get free food and free beer. Knowing me, I would have skipped a test for this, and next day lied about missing class with some lame excuse like I got ran over by a car.
Little picked me up and one of his graduate friends, FemaleFriend. We chit chatted the way there. It took forever to find parking. It was like the universe did not want me to get drunk. We would drive by a street, and there would be a spot on the opposite side of the street. We took a u-turn and realized that the spot was taken. I don't know why the old man and I don't get along, maybe because I'm not convinced that he existed. Stepping aside from religious talk, because frankly it is very boring. Why the fuck do I care what an old man is doing in Rome, besides providing candy to the local boys club. Eventually we did manage to find a spot, which was a 10 minute walk. Fuck street parking.
Because Little wanted to be the first one there so he could get all the food, we got there five minutes after 7, when the event literally just started. There was no one there, but no complain from me. This just meant there was more food that I can pour down my stomach.
On the menu were potato pancake, chicken strips, salads, and weird sour tasting balls. And of course my personal favorite, beers. Delicious German beers.
Every person at the event was given 2 tickets. Each ticket could be traded in for a half liter beer. And the food was all you can eat. I met some new people, ate a shit ton of food, told my hooker story to a black couple. I was completely stuffed within an hour.
I have already used up my two tickets, seeing that Little was the designated driver, he handed me his second ticket. Now I was at 1.5 liters. Those who know me know that I rarely stops drinking, even if I knew that my body couldn't handle it. The worst feeling was when your stomach was filled with food, but instead of letting it rest and digest, you pour beer in it. After I barely finished my 3rd beer. I was ready to explode, not because I drank too much, but because I reached the storage limit set by my body. As a gentleman, I excused myself to the bathroom, and proceeds to puke out everything from beer to chewed up chicken bits. I must have been in there for 5 minutes. Like the egotistic maniac that I am, I didn't bother to lock the door. I want to share my glory with the rest of the world. Everybody just walked by, starred at me and left. You would think that someone would at least have the decency to ask if I was ok. Fuck them, I don't need anybody.
When my system was throughly flushed, I went back to my table, saddened by the fact that I had no tickets left for more beer. At that very moment, I had a bright idea.
Me "I'm gonna to get more tickets."
Little "how are you going to do that?"
Me "there are people handing out tickets when you check in right?"
Little "there is no way you can get tickets."
Me "watch and learn."
I slowly walked over to the registration table, started to flip through the sign in sheet. I had to find a name that matched my nationality, so it was taking longer than someone who is signing as themselves.
RegisterLady "hi, can I help you?"
Me "how is this list organized? By department?"
RegisterLady "it's by last name. What's your name?"
At this point, I honestly thought she was going to see through my bullshit and tell me to fuck off. I had trouble finding a name that matched my ethnicity. At the moment, I immediately looked down at the sheet, and fortunately, I found a name.
Me "that's me. Found it, you would think I know what my own name is."
That managed a giggle. She handed me my two tickets. I walked back to my table, with one ticket in each hand, deliberately showing off to my friend. And I got another liter. This of course was followed by a second date between my face and the toilet.
As I walked back to my table from the bathroom, I realized that RegisterLady was off duty. A random dude was at the sign in table. I could con more tickets out of him. This time, I was prepared. I swiftly walked to the table, found the name I used to sign -last time, put a imaginary check on that name, the guy handed me two tickets. There went another liter. Honestly speaking, I was really fucking drunk at this point, even if I puked up half of what I drank. It is common decency to put out after the third date. Unfortunately my 3rd date with the toilet seat didn't go well, and I went back with blue balls.
Unfortunately, when i got out of the bathroom this time, the same guy was still at the sign in table. I wouldn't be able to get more tickets. For some reason, my table was encouraging me to get more drinks. One girl even offered to go ask her friends to see if they had any extra. There were also random guys who were just handing me their tickets. I guess I was everybody's entertainment monkey. No problem with that, more alcohol for me. This was only 11:30, and I already drank 5 liters of German beer, which has a higher alcohol content than normal beer. I also threw up about 5 liters. But that wasn't until I soaked up all the alcohol. I was near blacking out.
In hofbrauhaus, there is a tradition of dancing on tables. I was in a state with no inhibition. I saw a girl was dancing by herself, so I offered my company. When the song was over, I realized that she had a hotter friend. So naturally, I did what most men with common sense would do, pawn her off on someone else and dance with the hotter chick.
We did some weird tango. Fuck I don't know. Whatever, we danced. Then I saw the most amazing thing. On stage, there were 5 dudes, all holding a ski. Line up on that ski were 5 shots. Then, on a count of 3, they all did the shot. That was so fucking awesome. Naturally, I went around yelling at everyone to do the shotski with me. My girl was the only one who wanted to take it with me. Fine, good enough for me, she was all I need anyways. Here is what's so fucked about it. That whole thing cost 25 bucks. It was so fucking over priced. But drunk me never knew how to effectively spend my money. Unfortunately, I only had 20 on me. I went back to my table almost in tears, and like the cheap bastards my friends are, no one offered to pay the difference. My dream was dead. At this point, realizing that I was broke, like the gold digging whore that she is, she decided to go home. But I stand by what I always say, hot whores are allowed to be bitchy. Unfortunately, I lacked to attention span to remember her name. I just moved on to another girl named Ink, ironically she had no tattoo.
Since this was Thursday, hofbrauhaus closes at 11. Since we are dickheads who don't leave on time, we stayed til 12.
The rest are according to the accounts of Little and my roommate Barney. I am just summarizing what they told me.
During our 10 minute walk to the car, since i was still obsessed with that GoldDigger, and FemaleFriend knew her name but refused to tell me, I spent the entire time with my arms wrapped around her as we walked. I finally let go once we got into the car, but still whined about this the whole ride back.
About 5 minutes in, I told Little to stop the car. I got out of the car, immediately puked my guts out. After I drained all the fluids in my stomach, I unzipped my pants and drain the fluid in my bladder as well.This occurred in the parking lot of a grocery store.
Now, even though I was blacked out drunk, I still managed to correctly use my keys and got back to my apartment. Barney was sitting on the couch watching TV. I got in, and immediately fell on top of my lamp. Then I tied to fix it, but obviously that didn't go well. Barney told me not to worry about it and told me to go to bed. 2 second later, I fell again but this time on top of my table, which is really a door. This time, I had absolutely no motor skills to get up this time. Unfortunate, my stomach was acting up again.
Me "I need to throw up. Drag me to the bathroom."
The next thing I knew it was 6AM. I woke up on my bathroom floor, which was fucking freezing. I didn't need to wake up for class for a few more hours, so I got undressed and went to bed.
I woke up at 11:30, and my class was at 12. I didn't have time to shower, and I just decide to wear the same shit I had on the night before. I just need to get through the next couple of hours ad I could be in bed again. Half way through my class, I got up to go to the bathroom. There is a large mirror in the bathroom, I looked in the mirror. There was a yellow stain that's about 3 inches wide that ran all the way down the front of my shirt. I must have thrown up on it or just spilled beer on it.
I had to run home in the middle my class to change my shirt. It took me 29 minutes to do that. Whereas I had 30 minutes when I woke up that I could have changed. What the fuck is wrong with me?
Friday, January 27, 2012
Friday, August 26, 2011
Crazy Bitch Gazette
Tonight was my last night in the grand city where I interned. Since I was literally the last intern left, and going out with my 40 year old coworkers isn't all that appealing. I decided to head to a familiar bar, hoping to meet some lovely people. My head was filled with thoughts about getting drunk (which i didn't btw) that I did not pack at all. It was a fucking terrible decision. My point of destination is a small gay bar in downtown; it was my favorite by default cause it was the only bar that didn't card me. Unfortunately for me, I was somewhat responsible. I had to drive myself this time, and therefore could not shower myself with alcohol. Still, it's the environment that counts, right?
Last time I went this bar, I specifically asked the bartender for fire drinks, and he presented me with a whole variety of them. I tried the Flaming Lamborghini. It involved a variety of five types of liquor. Three were poured in a wine glass, and it was lit on fire. While I drank as fast as I physically could with a fucking coffee straw, while the straw slowly melted in the fire (so I'm drinking plastic), he poured the other two drinks in the glass. It was so fucking strong. It was also at this time that I gave up my car keys that night.
But you know, not dying was the ultimate goal, so I stayed relatively sober and just had a few drinks. Now, back to the real story. Because this is literally a goddamn ghost town, the bar had less than ten people, on a Friday night. You think people actually do things. I scouted the room: there were four old gay dudes, and 1 hot blond sitting by herself at the end of the bar. I went over to chat her up. She obviously knew my intention, so I quickly found out that she had a boyfriend of two years.
"So why are you drinking here by yourself?"
"My boyfriend is in downtown Pittsburgh."
"So you decided to drink alone at a bar."
"Yeah, I guess."
"Bullshit, aren't you here to suck off hot guys in the bathroom?"
(yes, I know that doesn't make any sense, but I figure she's long shot anyways, might as well go for the hail mary)
"No no no no, I'm serious. Here's a picture of him."
When I saw the picture, I gave up on her. However, since she is the only girl in the entire bar, I decided to stay and talk to her, so I don't get hit on by old gay dudes. She told me her story: how she dropped out of school, but then decided to go back for her education degree. Now, she taught in middle school. I think...
Then I told my story. I mean MY STORIES. Everything in this blog was fair game. She seemed to enjoy it. However, as the night went on, I became more and more bored with her. It's like investing in something while fully knowing that you'll get shit back. Here's where the night took a turn, a girl walked in with a black dude. The reason that I noticed them is because they are really, really fucking loud. It was at this time that the blond decided to leave. She hugged me and said see you later. I don't even remember her name.
I then proceeded to talk to the power couple. They seemed to be cool. The black dude acted as if he is gay, but when I asked him about it. He said "I'm not gay. Although I did let a guy blow me when I was on coke. I doubt that counts." The girl just giggled the entire time.
Time flew, and in no time it was 1AM. It was at this time that I discovered two things. One, the power couple met tonight. Two, the girl is obsessed with me, for whatever fucking reason. The black dude took off. I shared a drink or two with the girl, and it was time to go home. I offered her a ride home, hoping she would invite me to her place. But it actually turned out better; she asked if she can see my place that I have been bragging about the entire time. (My company set me up with a 3 bedroom townhouse with one other intern, who had moved out at this time). It was perfect, mainly because I am moving out of that house the next day. No complications. We got back, gave her a quick tour, and headed to the bedroom.
She kept saying that she was nervous and needed alcohol to calm her down. (This should've been my first warning about her, but as usual, my head isn't doing the thinking.) I went to my fridge and brought up a bottle of vodka, she chugged it like it was water. While she was drinking, she kept telling me to be patient, and she was willing to do whatever I wanted. This girl was serious weird, we kissed for a second, and she immediately move to remove my pants. Usually girls like the foreplay, but I guess she didn't.
She did something I never expected. She pored vodka on my dick. I was surprised when I realized what happened, and was freaking out because I thought it was gonna burn. Strangely, it was just a warm sensation, and I actually enjoyed it. So I lied back down.
Here's when everything took a fucked up turn. While she was blowing me, for one she didn't shut up. Even though she kept telling me that she would do whatever I wanted, and I told her to shut up. Quite the irony.
This is a list of private things about her that I found out while my dick was in her mouth.
At this point it was 4AM, I am tired, so I told her to stop blowing me and open up her legs. She didn't want to have sex, because she thought I didn't have condoms. She was willing to do anal, and I thought why not. Unfortunately, it was more difficult than I expected. Her ass was really tight. Obviously I wasn't willing to put in the work, so I flipped her over for regular sex. She was still unwilling, so I said "That's fine. Well, I need to go to bed soon, I'll drive you home." For some reason, this worked, and she changed her mind, and was begging for it. I got out my condom, and we fucked. When I finished, she wanted to fuck again, and told me not to use condoms this time because she wanted to have my babies. How fucked up is that? I stared at her, and started laughing. After two minutes of that, I told her that I really need to sleep, and she should go home. I even offered her a ride, since it was 5AM.
We walked downstairs. And it was at the point she broke down. She started crying and refused to move. She kept crying shit like
"Do you know what it was like to not lose your virginity til you are 23...I don't know why I blew my neighbor, he asked for it so I gave it to him...There's no one who care about me, and I don't care about anyone...You are so nice to me, and I don't even know why...If you leave, I don't know what I'll do...I live alone in my apartment and there's no one there.''
Obviously if I was in any state of mind where I cared about nothing else except sleeping, I would feel bad for her. But all I wanted was to lie on my queen size bed and sleep like a baby. Unfortunately, she kept me up by not leaving. And I do not trust her to let me sleep in my house. I have confirmed that at this point she was completely nuts, what if she steals something valuable just so I can't leave. I had to get her out and go to bed, because it's closer to 6AM.
Then it got so much worse. Her monologue took a much darker turn.
CrazyBitch "You know what, I don't even want to live anymore. You should just hit me with your car."
Me "Are you fucking crazy? I'm not doing anything to you. Just fucking go home."
CrazyBitch "I don't want to go home, just do it. I don't even care."
At this point, I had enough. I began to yell at the top of my lungs that she had got to go. This went on for another 20 minutes, until she finally gave in and got in my car. See, I'm nice enough to drive her back, but I did tune her out the entire ride so I don't have to hear her, only occasionally ask her to tell me how to get to her apartment.
Unfortunately, when we arrived, she refused to get out of my car unless I do as well. She wanted to show me the tattoo she was going to get, which was a creep girl's face. Completely fucked up. I said cool and began to head for the door. She hurried to the door, blocked it, and put her hand around me so I couldn't leave. Since I am so fucking strong, I managed to get out. To stop her from whining more, I let her give me her phone number, and the contact name was "Crazy Murderous Bitch."
The entire drive home, I just couldn't stop laughing at everything that had happened. If she wasn't so fucking nuts, I would have felt bad. I know, I'm an asshole, but I'm ok with it. When I got home, right as I was about to go to bed, I realized that there are two separate stains on my bed: one from the vodka she poured on me, and the other near where her vagina was. Apparently she was on her period (this explained why she had to go use my bathroom to get ready.) It was fucking disgusting. There's no way I would sleep in that bed; so I went to the other bedroom and slept on a fresh clean bed. I've never slept better.
Last time I went this bar, I specifically asked the bartender for fire drinks, and he presented me with a whole variety of them. I tried the Flaming Lamborghini. It involved a variety of five types of liquor. Three were poured in a wine glass, and it was lit on fire. While I drank as fast as I physically could with a fucking coffee straw, while the straw slowly melted in the fire (so I'm drinking plastic), he poured the other two drinks in the glass. It was so fucking strong. It was also at this time that I gave up my car keys that night.
But you know, not dying was the ultimate goal, so I stayed relatively sober and just had a few drinks. Now, back to the real story. Because this is literally a goddamn ghost town, the bar had less than ten people, on a Friday night. You think people actually do things. I scouted the room: there were four old gay dudes, and 1 hot blond sitting by herself at the end of the bar. I went over to chat her up. She obviously knew my intention, so I quickly found out that she had a boyfriend of two years.
"So why are you drinking here by yourself?"
"My boyfriend is in downtown Pittsburgh."
"So you decided to drink alone at a bar."
"Yeah, I guess."
"Bullshit, aren't you here to suck off hot guys in the bathroom?"
(yes, I know that doesn't make any sense, but I figure she's long shot anyways, might as well go for the hail mary)
"No no no no, I'm serious. Here's a picture of him."
When I saw the picture, I gave up on her. However, since she is the only girl in the entire bar, I decided to stay and talk to her, so I don't get hit on by old gay dudes. She told me her story: how she dropped out of school, but then decided to go back for her education degree. Now, she taught in middle school. I think...
Then I told my story. I mean MY STORIES. Everything in this blog was fair game. She seemed to enjoy it. However, as the night went on, I became more and more bored with her. It's like investing in something while fully knowing that you'll get shit back. Here's where the night took a turn, a girl walked in with a black dude. The reason that I noticed them is because they are really, really fucking loud. It was at this time that the blond decided to leave. She hugged me and said see you later. I don't even remember her name.
I then proceeded to talk to the power couple. They seemed to be cool. The black dude acted as if he is gay, but when I asked him about it. He said "I'm not gay. Although I did let a guy blow me when I was on coke. I doubt that counts." The girl just giggled the entire time.
Time flew, and in no time it was 1AM. It was at this time that I discovered two things. One, the power couple met tonight. Two, the girl is obsessed with me, for whatever fucking reason. The black dude took off. I shared a drink or two with the girl, and it was time to go home. I offered her a ride home, hoping she would invite me to her place. But it actually turned out better; she asked if she can see my place that I have been bragging about the entire time. (My company set me up with a 3 bedroom townhouse with one other intern, who had moved out at this time). It was perfect, mainly because I am moving out of that house the next day. No complications. We got back, gave her a quick tour, and headed to the bedroom.
She kept saying that she was nervous and needed alcohol to calm her down. (This should've been my first warning about her, but as usual, my head isn't doing the thinking.) I went to my fridge and brought up a bottle of vodka, she chugged it like it was water. While she was drinking, she kept telling me to be patient, and she was willing to do whatever I wanted. This girl was serious weird, we kissed for a second, and she immediately move to remove my pants. Usually girls like the foreplay, but I guess she didn't.
She did something I never expected. She pored vodka on my dick. I was surprised when I realized what happened, and was freaking out because I thought it was gonna burn. Strangely, it was just a warm sensation, and I actually enjoyed it. So I lied back down.
Here's when everything took a fucked up turn. While she was blowing me, for one she didn't shut up. Even though she kept telling me that she would do whatever I wanted, and I told her to shut up. Quite the irony.
This is a list of private things about her that I found out while my dick was in her mouth.
- She gave her 49 year old married neighbor a blowjob. (She was 25)
- She didn't loose her virginity til she was 23. And the guy didn't even want to do it.
- She has suspicion that she was taken advantage of by her father.
At this point it was 4AM, I am tired, so I told her to stop blowing me and open up her legs. She didn't want to have sex, because she thought I didn't have condoms. She was willing to do anal, and I thought why not. Unfortunately, it was more difficult than I expected. Her ass was really tight. Obviously I wasn't willing to put in the work, so I flipped her over for regular sex. She was still unwilling, so I said "That's fine. Well, I need to go to bed soon, I'll drive you home." For some reason, this worked, and she changed her mind, and was begging for it. I got out my condom, and we fucked. When I finished, she wanted to fuck again, and told me not to use condoms this time because she wanted to have my babies. How fucked up is that? I stared at her, and started laughing. After two minutes of that, I told her that I really need to sleep, and she should go home. I even offered her a ride, since it was 5AM.
We walked downstairs. And it was at the point she broke down. She started crying and refused to move. She kept crying shit like
"Do you know what it was like to not lose your virginity til you are 23...I don't know why I blew my neighbor, he asked for it so I gave it to him...There's no one who care about me, and I don't care about anyone...You are so nice to me, and I don't even know why...If you leave, I don't know what I'll do...I live alone in my apartment and there's no one there.''
Obviously if I was in any state of mind where I cared about nothing else except sleeping, I would feel bad for her. But all I wanted was to lie on my queen size bed and sleep like a baby. Unfortunately, she kept me up by not leaving. And I do not trust her to let me sleep in my house. I have confirmed that at this point she was completely nuts, what if she steals something valuable just so I can't leave. I had to get her out and go to bed, because it's closer to 6AM.
Then it got so much worse. Her monologue took a much darker turn.
CrazyBitch "You know what, I don't even want to live anymore. You should just hit me with your car."
Me "Are you fucking crazy? I'm not doing anything to you. Just fucking go home."
CrazyBitch "I don't want to go home, just do it. I don't even care."
At this point, I had enough. I began to yell at the top of my lungs that she had got to go. This went on for another 20 minutes, until she finally gave in and got in my car. See, I'm nice enough to drive her back, but I did tune her out the entire ride so I don't have to hear her, only occasionally ask her to tell me how to get to her apartment.
Unfortunately, when we arrived, she refused to get out of my car unless I do as well. She wanted to show me the tattoo she was going to get, which was a creep girl's face. Completely fucked up. I said cool and began to head for the door. She hurried to the door, blocked it, and put her hand around me so I couldn't leave. Since I am so fucking strong, I managed to get out. To stop her from whining more, I let her give me her phone number, and the contact name was "Crazy Murderous Bitch."
The entire drive home, I just couldn't stop laughing at everything that had happened. If she wasn't so fucking nuts, I would have felt bad. I know, I'm an asshole, but I'm ok with it. When I got home, right as I was about to go to bed, I realized that there are two separate stains on my bed: one from the vodka she poured on me, and the other near where her vagina was. Apparently she was on her period (this explained why she had to go use my bathroom to get ready.) It was fucking disgusting. There's no way I would sleep in that bed; so I went to the other bedroom and slept on a fresh clean bed. I've never slept better.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Doctor Visitation
There's a first in every man's live. The first time you smoke a cigar, the first time you drink, the first time you go to Vegas. Well, this is my first time going to the hospital due to alcohol. It was quite the experience.
This was Saturday night, we had just gotten back from our work weekend trip. And everyone from work gathered together for a party. It was all set to be an awesome night.
At around 10PM, as usual, I like to pregame a bit before heading up, but since I was meeting my buddies somewhere else, I decided to just take 3 quick shots of tequila. And tequila to me will pretty much fuck me up. No complain there. Then I headed out to meet my buddies, and we all headed to the party. Got in, and started drinking. The party was just like any other party, nothing too special, but I do know most people there, and that's what made it more fun. Just a few chit chat here and there. Out of nowhere, I heard wind of a keg downstairs, and of course, I did what my impulse wanted me to without thinking, and went downstairts. Of course it is very obvious to everyone, when you have a free keg, you do keg stands, regardless of the consequences, you never let up a chance to do that. At least that's how I think. Again, I don't worry about the consequences. Then, the rest of the night was pretty much blank.
I remember a few things.
After the cops left, at least from what my buddies told me, I went upstairs and kept on drinking. Then I died on the couch. I was literally lying motionless for like half an hour, if you didn't know me, you would think that I actually died. My buddy dragged me out of the house, and the moment I stepped out, I started puking everywhere and everything. But as a gentleman, I only puked in the neighbor's yard, and kept my friend's clean. How nice of me!
To understand this next part, I will have to back up a bit. My school ofter a door to door service late at night specifically for drunk idiots like me, and each driver is equipped with a bottle of freezing water to wake up kids who are passed out drunk. And I have experience this several times. Now back to the story.
My buddy called them and asked them to pick us up. And I passed out cold in the front porch, so the bus driver got me wet top to bottom. I woke up, without realizing what happened and got on the bus. However, I was so incoherent that I wouldn't say my own address, at least not the right now, so the bus driver, being the considerate, concerned person that he was, decided to drop us off at the emergency room.
Standing at the front door was a few uniformed police officers. Luckily I was way too drunk to say anything, otherwise I probably would have gotten a beating. But they were nice enough to provide a wheelchair for me. The next morning, I woke up at 6AM, with needles and tubes coming out of me, I was in a state of shock, and looked around, and said fuck, I must have gotten a citation and I'll be fucked and fired. What a good way to start a job. The nurse came in and asked me for some info, and told me I'll have to stay in the hopsital if I don't have anyone to get me home. So I called the most responsible person I knew, and woke her up from her beauty sleep to come and get me. At the same time, her mom was also in the same room. I have no idea how I make such good impressions on parents. I got to her place, put on one of her t-shirts, and passed out on her couch.
Epilogue: As many of you know, ER is very expensive, even if they only stick a needle in you and do nothing else. The total cost was $1254, I was scared shitless, cause I don't have that type of money, but luckily, insurance coverd $1204. It was only 50 bucks for me, who said our health insurances is fucked up. I say it's working out decently. But I guess spending $50 dollars for a good story might be worth it.
This was Saturday night, we had just gotten back from our work weekend trip. And everyone from work gathered together for a party. It was all set to be an awesome night.
At around 10PM, as usual, I like to pregame a bit before heading up, but since I was meeting my buddies somewhere else, I decided to just take 3 quick shots of tequila. And tequila to me will pretty much fuck me up. No complain there. Then I headed out to meet my buddies, and we all headed to the party. Got in, and started drinking. The party was just like any other party, nothing too special, but I do know most people there, and that's what made it more fun. Just a few chit chat here and there. Out of nowhere, I heard wind of a keg downstairs, and of course, I did what my impulse wanted me to without thinking, and went downstairts. Of course it is very obvious to everyone, when you have a free keg, you do keg stands, regardless of the consequences, you never let up a chance to do that. At least that's how I think. Again, I don't worry about the consequences. Then, the rest of the night was pretty much blank.
I remember a few things.
- I yelled at a coworker for being mean to the friends I brought, she was mad because my friends don't work with everyone and apparently the party was exclusive.
- I kept chugging the jungle juice, taking shots, and apparently did another keg stand.
- I was going to play beer pong with my boss, but while waiting I said I'll be right back, going to get some stuff, and never came back.
- Cops came sometime during the night, and was asking about a car parked in front of the house, and we all had to hide downstairs. It was like a fucking prison camp. We were told to shut up and be quite.
After the cops left, at least from what my buddies told me, I went upstairs and kept on drinking. Then I died on the couch. I was literally lying motionless for like half an hour, if you didn't know me, you would think that I actually died. My buddy dragged me out of the house, and the moment I stepped out, I started puking everywhere and everything. But as a gentleman, I only puked in the neighbor's yard, and kept my friend's clean. How nice of me!
To understand this next part, I will have to back up a bit. My school ofter a door to door service late at night specifically for drunk idiots like me, and each driver is equipped with a bottle of freezing water to wake up kids who are passed out drunk. And I have experience this several times. Now back to the story.
My buddy called them and asked them to pick us up. And I passed out cold in the front porch, so the bus driver got me wet top to bottom. I woke up, without realizing what happened and got on the bus. However, I was so incoherent that I wouldn't say my own address, at least not the right now, so the bus driver, being the considerate, concerned person that he was, decided to drop us off at the emergency room.
Standing at the front door was a few uniformed police officers. Luckily I was way too drunk to say anything, otherwise I probably would have gotten a beating. But they were nice enough to provide a wheelchair for me. The next morning, I woke up at 6AM, with needles and tubes coming out of me, I was in a state of shock, and looked around, and said fuck, I must have gotten a citation and I'll be fucked and fired. What a good way to start a job. The nurse came in and asked me for some info, and told me I'll have to stay in the hopsital if I don't have anyone to get me home. So I called the most responsible person I knew, and woke her up from her beauty sleep to come and get me. At the same time, her mom was also in the same room. I have no idea how I make such good impressions on parents. I got to her place, put on one of her t-shirts, and passed out on her couch.
Epilogue: As many of you know, ER is very expensive, even if they only stick a needle in you and do nothing else. The total cost was $1254, I was scared shitless, cause I don't have that type of money, but luckily, insurance coverd $1204. It was only 50 bucks for me, who said our health insurances is fucked up. I say it's working out decently. But I guess spending $50 dollars for a good story might be worth it.
Friday, August 27, 2010
The Twin Barbecue
This was officially the first BroBQ ever. We started a bbq at 7PM. All Face had were hot dogs and beer. I didn't feel like drinking that early during the night, so I just bought an ice tea. Face honestly had no idea how much food he got. He put on 8 hot dogs on the first batch, and stuffed all of it in my and Foxy's hands, then immediately put 8 more on the grill. If hot dogs could be used for torture, this was how it's done. Eventually, we all just gave up, and absolutely stopped eating. Instead, we tried to pawn off the left over hot dogs to strangers walking by. It was no surprise that no one took it. We were creepy as fuck. However, there was light at the end of the tunnel; a repairman stopped in front of us, and he took one of our offerings, saying that he would give it to his partner, which I took as the trashcan. During our last stand to give away hot dogs, Face started yelling that the hot dogs had roofies in them. To our surprise, still no one took it. Guess the reverse psychology didn't work. We eventually had to throw away the left overs.
Next up, we went up to Face's apartment to pregame. After a few beers and filling up my flask, we were all set to go hit Pegasus at 11PM. This was my first time going to the new Pegasus, so I really had no idea what to expect, maybe it is all gay now, I really didn't know. Like always, I was more then willing to try out something new.
Since the dawn of time, men have relied on their instincts to find their way. And as always, that always came back to fuck them in the ass. We were lost in the middle of nofuckingwhere, just because Face refused GPS guidance from the iPhone and reassured us over and over again that he knew where we were going. When he finally gave in to the power of the machine, we apparently was on top of our destination. Eventually, we finally got to Pegasus. And I kid you not, it was the shadiest place I have ever seen. Mostly because of the under the bridge thing, but the building was a dark three story building, and you could see lights coming out of the 2nd floor. Honestly, I didn't really want to go in, but as usual, I let the moral-less, not thinking part of me make my decisions after dark, and it said "Let's rock this place."
So, we walked toward the front door. Then moment we walked in, I realized that there was a staircase on my right, and I could just sneak in and avoid possible cover charges. And it worked to perfection. Not only did I not pay to get, I also didn't get my hand marked, which means Drinks all night long.
It usually takes me about 20 minutes to get in the mood, so I spend the first 20 filling up on beers. It was of course a great idea. So let's skip ahead, I doubt anyone want to read about how I drank a few beers, that shit even bores me.
At around 12AM, apparently I was whoring around with some blond girl that I didn't even remember. This has become pretty common for me, and I have developed a reflex that wouldn't make the girl feel awkward when I don't remember her. It's what I call the "you system." It's quite basic and effectively, simply replace any use of her name or any way of addressing her with the word "you," but remember that she is indeed a human being, and use the you as you would a girlfriend, or someone you give a fuck about. Simply put, this girl will remain nameless for the time being.
Next up, Face was chatting with a hippie blond, and without going into details (mainly because I couldn't hear what the fuck he was saying), she agreed to dance with him. I looked at her friend, with somewhat of the seductive look. She responded by looking me up and down, which I assume she was checking out the product before making a purchase. Then, she nodded, and I signaled her to stuff her giant ass in my crotch. Oh, I didn't mention? She's more the chubby side; not that I'm a chubby chaser, I prefer my girls lean and mean, but no anorectic ones. I was just feeling lazy and she was there. Judging by her 3 point average, her self-esteem can't be high. This was evident by the fact that after a few minutes of grinding her into the pole, she grabbed both of my hands and tightly pushed them into her, shall we say, 34D boobs. I have never met anyone with any sort of self-respect that would do that, but believe me I wasn't complaining. Boobs are one of God's or Evolution's best creations, immediately followed by fried chicken and spandex.
My only problem with this girl is, besides that the fact she wasn't cute at all, but the beer did work toward her favor, that I had so much problem kissing her. It had nothing to do with me; she was so fucking short that I literally had to be on my knees to see her eyes. And I wasn't about to bend down for a woman I ain't marrying. So I skipped out on first and got straight to second base; it's like John Meyer trying to play baseball. At this point, I probably would have taken her out of the club and straight into my friend's backseat.
However, as always, there's always an obstacle. This time, it wasn't puking, ex-boyfriend, or friend who can't fucking drink. It was that blond from earlier, let's call her Brittany. She came out of nowhere and started grinding behind me. No complain there. This time, I played proper baseball and touch both bases, with ChubbyGirl still in front of me. It was tough: I either ignore the blond and take the sure thing with Chubby, or I upgrade girl parts in every possible way. Knowing how shallow I am, the choice was obvious. But the ultimate goal was of course to take them both. This did not work. I turned around to face Brittany, while using my right hand to grab Chubby. I couldn't see the look she gave me, but it must have been nasty and I probably would have laughed. But I was busy.
Then twenty minutes later, she told me she had to pee.
Me "You aren't going to invite me?"
Brittany "There's only one toilet."
(If you have seen the Tucker Max movie, you would know this scene. For those who hasn't had the pleasure, let me set it up for you. Tucker was going to the bathroom, but started hitting on a married woman, whom he almost had sex with. He went into the bathroom with her, and the conversation is almost identical to the one I was having here.)
Me "There's a sink."
She looked at me with a grin, and grabbed my hand to lead the way. The moment I got to the bathroom, I realized that there was actually two toilets, but one is broken, and will probably flood if I use it. So I used it, but didn't flush, cause even at my drunken state, I wanted no part of my piss to be anywhere near me. She walked out of the stall rather quickly, and of course I congratulated her. She wanted to head back to the dance floor, but I stopped her, and forcefully pushed her back into the stall, and locked it. I probably bullshitted some random shit about her, and next thing I know, we were undressing each other in the bathroom stall.
I tried to take her tank top off. but she said "Oh don't do that."
"Why the fuck not?"
"I don't want you to see my tan lines, you can play with them if you want."
"This is fucking weird."
But I carried on anyways. Things started to escalate, and just as she put her hands down my pants, I looked to my left and realized a gay guy was watching us. I told him to get the fuck out, but he didn't move. Then I thought, he's gay, and probably don't like straight shit. So I looked directly into his eyes, and said "It's about to get nasty in here" and kissed Brittany. He then left, and I like to think I was the reason why. We continued about our business, and two minutes later, that same bastard came back. And he said "There's a girl out here who need to toilet."
Me "Tell her to use that fucking toilet, or the men's room. Everyone's fucking gay here it doesn't matter." Pointing to the flooding one. I wasn't about give up my territory. But Brittany said "Let's just get out of here."
And I realized the moment was gone, and said fuck it and went back to the dance floor.
When the club closed at 2AM, I walked over to the club manager.
Me "You should really have higher walls in the girl's bathroom stall, I need my privacy."
Manager "You shouldn't be having sex in there."
Me "If you had higher walls, then I wouldn't have had sex in there cause no one can fucking see."
Manager "..."
This was a fucking great night. I told my partners in crime about my night, and they told me theirs. But it wasn't exciting at all.
We made it back to Face's apartment at 3AM, and decided we are all hungry, so we fired up the grill, opened a few cans of beer, and had another barbecue. It was pretty fucking delicious.
So what to take from this: while stall sex can be great, it's probably a safer bet if there are multiple stalls or just take her to the backseat of your car, away from possible cock-blockers.
Next up, we went up to Face's apartment to pregame. After a few beers and filling up my flask, we were all set to go hit Pegasus at 11PM. This was my first time going to the new Pegasus, so I really had no idea what to expect, maybe it is all gay now, I really didn't know. Like always, I was more then willing to try out something new.
Since the dawn of time, men have relied on their instincts to find their way. And as always, that always came back to fuck them in the ass. We were lost in the middle of nofuckingwhere, just because Face refused GPS guidance from the iPhone and reassured us over and over again that he knew where we were going. When he finally gave in to the power of the machine, we apparently was on top of our destination. Eventually, we finally got to Pegasus. And I kid you not, it was the shadiest place I have ever seen. Mostly because of the under the bridge thing, but the building was a dark three story building, and you could see lights coming out of the 2nd floor. Honestly, I didn't really want to go in, but as usual, I let the moral-less, not thinking part of me make my decisions after dark, and it said "Let's rock this place."
So, we walked toward the front door. Then moment we walked in, I realized that there was a staircase on my right, and I could just sneak in and avoid possible cover charges. And it worked to perfection. Not only did I not pay to get, I also didn't get my hand marked, which means Drinks all night long.
It usually takes me about 20 minutes to get in the mood, so I spend the first 20 filling up on beers. It was of course a great idea. So let's skip ahead, I doubt anyone want to read about how I drank a few beers, that shit even bores me.
At around 12AM, apparently I was whoring around with some blond girl that I didn't even remember. This has become pretty common for me, and I have developed a reflex that wouldn't make the girl feel awkward when I don't remember her. It's what I call the "you system." It's quite basic and effectively, simply replace any use of her name or any way of addressing her with the word "you," but remember that she is indeed a human being, and use the you as you would a girlfriend, or someone you give a fuck about. Simply put, this girl will remain nameless for the time being.
Next up, Face was chatting with a hippie blond, and without going into details (mainly because I couldn't hear what the fuck he was saying), she agreed to dance with him. I looked at her friend, with somewhat of the seductive look. She responded by looking me up and down, which I assume she was checking out the product before making a purchase. Then, she nodded, and I signaled her to stuff her giant ass in my crotch. Oh, I didn't mention? She's more the chubby side; not that I'm a chubby chaser, I prefer my girls lean and mean, but no anorectic ones. I was just feeling lazy and she was there. Judging by her 3 point average, her self-esteem can't be high. This was evident by the fact that after a few minutes of grinding her into the pole, she grabbed both of my hands and tightly pushed them into her, shall we say, 34D boobs. I have never met anyone with any sort of self-respect that would do that, but believe me I wasn't complaining. Boobs are one of God's or Evolution's best creations, immediately followed by fried chicken and spandex.
My only problem with this girl is, besides that the fact she wasn't cute at all, but the beer did work toward her favor, that I had so much problem kissing her. It had nothing to do with me; she was so fucking short that I literally had to be on my knees to see her eyes. And I wasn't about to bend down for a woman I ain't marrying. So I skipped out on first and got straight to second base; it's like John Meyer trying to play baseball. At this point, I probably would have taken her out of the club and straight into my friend's backseat.
However, as always, there's always an obstacle. This time, it wasn't puking, ex-boyfriend, or friend who can't fucking drink. It was that blond from earlier, let's call her Brittany. She came out of nowhere and started grinding behind me. No complain there. This time, I played proper baseball and touch both bases, with ChubbyGirl still in front of me. It was tough: I either ignore the blond and take the sure thing with Chubby, or I upgrade girl parts in every possible way. Knowing how shallow I am, the choice was obvious. But the ultimate goal was of course to take them both. This did not work. I turned around to face Brittany, while using my right hand to grab Chubby. I couldn't see the look she gave me, but it must have been nasty and I probably would have laughed. But I was busy.
Then twenty minutes later, she told me she had to pee.
Me "You aren't going to invite me?"
Brittany "There's only one toilet."
(If you have seen the Tucker Max movie, you would know this scene. For those who hasn't had the pleasure, let me set it up for you. Tucker was going to the bathroom, but started hitting on a married woman, whom he almost had sex with. He went into the bathroom with her, and the conversation is almost identical to the one I was having here.)
Me "There's a sink."
She looked at me with a grin, and grabbed my hand to lead the way. The moment I got to the bathroom, I realized that there was actually two toilets, but one is broken, and will probably flood if I use it. So I used it, but didn't flush, cause even at my drunken state, I wanted no part of my piss to be anywhere near me. She walked out of the stall rather quickly, and of course I congratulated her. She wanted to head back to the dance floor, but I stopped her, and forcefully pushed her back into the stall, and locked it. I probably bullshitted some random shit about her, and next thing I know, we were undressing each other in the bathroom stall.
I tried to take her tank top off. but she said "Oh don't do that."
"Why the fuck not?"
"I don't want you to see my tan lines, you can play with them if you want."
"This is fucking weird."
But I carried on anyways. Things started to escalate, and just as she put her hands down my pants, I looked to my left and realized a gay guy was watching us. I told him to get the fuck out, but he didn't move. Then I thought, he's gay, and probably don't like straight shit. So I looked directly into his eyes, and said "It's about to get nasty in here" and kissed Brittany. He then left, and I like to think I was the reason why. We continued about our business, and two minutes later, that same bastard came back. And he said "There's a girl out here who need to toilet."
Me "Tell her to use that fucking toilet, or the men's room. Everyone's fucking gay here it doesn't matter." Pointing to the flooding one. I wasn't about give up my territory. But Brittany said "Let's just get out of here."
And I realized the moment was gone, and said fuck it and went back to the dance floor.
When the club closed at 2AM, I walked over to the club manager.
Me "You should really have higher walls in the girl's bathroom stall, I need my privacy."
Manager "You shouldn't be having sex in there."
Me "If you had higher walls, then I wouldn't have had sex in there cause no one can fucking see."
Manager "..."
This was a fucking great night. I told my partners in crime about my night, and they told me theirs. But it wasn't exciting at all.
We made it back to Face's apartment at 3AM, and decided we are all hungry, so we fired up the grill, opened a few cans of beer, and had another barbecue. It was pretty fucking delicious.
So what to take from this: while stall sex can be great, it's probably a safer bet if there are multiple stalls or just take her to the backseat of your car, away from possible cock-blockers.
Friday, July 30, 2010
46 Hours of Amsterdam
Personally, I have wanted to go to Amsterdam for a really long time, and I was unable to find anyone willing to go. So I had to wait until the end of the program when some people agreed to come only if we don't book a hostel, seeing as it was 50 euro per night. At the end of my summer program, we were all packed to go back to America and one last trip in Europe.
Four of us went Friday morning while another is meeting us later that night. Knowing that lodging wasn't available to us, we all decided to sleep on the 3 hour train ride to Amsterdam. Great idea right? Right? NoOoOo, there were some German jackasses yelling the entire fucking time. They never even took a breather from yelling. I didn't want to start anything on the train, since I am a foreigner and don't speak the language, I just sucked it up. But serious, what a bitch.
The moment we got off the train, we witnessed why Amsterdam is one of the greatest cities on earth, through a mini-tour guide we bought from the gift shop at the train station. Did you really think we saw the whole city right after the train ride? Idiot. Like most tourist, the first site we visited was the fries shop, and it was delicious. Then we visited Amsterdam's world class coffee shop, and we bought the best coffee in the world. I swore I had a caffeine rush, but afterward, my limbs were controlling me. My arms were rising involuntarily, and my torso would twist one direction until someone stopped me.
As tourist, we had to tour the city, but after an hour of walking around, we were all exhausted. Therefore, as clear thinking college students, the four of us crammed into a circular bench and took a nap there. Of course we were good enough to not bring anything valuable. I can't remember how long we slept, but that nap rejuvenated everyone. We were all excited and wanted to do things.
And of course, we visited the Red Light District. It was cleaner that I expected. And I felt sad for all those women. They just stand in a tiny room with a glass window in a bikini, trying to look sexy so guys would buy them. To my surprise, they were all very attractive. Although there was no guarantee that they were women their entire lives. From what I heard, they get gradually hotter as you walk toward the center. However, the hottest ones are on the outside, they are also half man.
I was still on my caffeine rush and I bought a cheeseburger off the street. Then we tried a special type of Amsterdam nut, I forgot what it was called, but it had the horrible after taste. The taste is so bad that this happened after I ate some of it: I walked toward the bathroom and just couldn't hold it in anymore, so I ran to the closest trash can and throw up in it. 2 more steps later, I realized more is coming and I ran to another trash can and threw up in it. I finally made it to the bathroom gate where we pay, but more came up, and I rushed in without paying. The guard stopped him and asked me to pay, I just pointed at my mouth then the toilet and I assumed he understood what I meant. If you are counting, this is the 3rd time. I'm sure the cheeseburger I bought before had something to do with me upset stomach.
Then came the bad news, one of us apparently had to wait for her friend at a tower in Amsterdam, so for the next 10 hours, we walked around that tower and did nothing else. So let's fast forward to 3AM.
No one is really to go to bed yet, and we heard about a club called Paradigo, and it was on the tourist map. So we all agreed to check it out. We got to the door and realized that the cover charge is 16 euros, since no one is willing to pay if the club is bad, we decided to send me in to check it out. And I wasn't lying when I say this club is one of the best I have ever been too. It have several small dance floors, and a huge one with lasers shooting out everywhere, a DJ in the center, and a second floor where you can look down at the hundreds of people dancing at the bottom.
I am a little pissed about the sign on the club. I saw the sign say "24 Hours". So I assumed it opens, well, 24 hours. Then, at around 4:30, I heard announcements about last call for beer; of course, as a semi-alcoholic, my first reaction was to buy beer as I possibly can. I remember complaining that the club is closing and how it doesn't open 24 hours. We got outside and I took a closer look at the sign, it said "24 Hour to 5 Hour". Damn Europeans, you got us again.
Now we are actually tired, and someone suggested a place we can sleep in. It turned out to be an area between two buildings that had a roof. Perfect, because it was raining that night. I got comfortable and went to sleep.
...
Suddenly, someone woke me up and told me we had to leave. I didn't ask at the moment, and I just went with them. Apparently, an off duty cop came over and told us we need to leave or his partner will come and fine us 100 euros. I don't know if we are lucky or not, but as long as we are not fined, we are good to go. So we headed to the one place we know we can take a nap: the train station. Too bad the weather wasn't on our side, and it was freezing that morning, we all just got 2 hours of sleep.
On Saturday, we all decided to just stay sober the entire day so we can enjoy Amsterdam. So this day, we went and saw the IAmsterdam sign twice in two different locations, went into some shops, sneaked into a science museum, and overall had a relaxing day.
We went our separate ways at 8PM, thus ending our 46 crazy hours in Amsterdam.
Four of us went Friday morning while another is meeting us later that night. Knowing that lodging wasn't available to us, we all decided to sleep on the 3 hour train ride to Amsterdam. Great idea right? Right? NoOoOo, there were some German jackasses yelling the entire fucking time. They never even took a breather from yelling. I didn't want to start anything on the train, since I am a foreigner and don't speak the language, I just sucked it up. But serious, what a bitch.
The moment we got off the train, we witnessed why Amsterdam is one of the greatest cities on earth, through a mini-tour guide we bought from the gift shop at the train station. Did you really think we saw the whole city right after the train ride? Idiot. Like most tourist, the first site we visited was the fries shop, and it was delicious. Then we visited Amsterdam's world class coffee shop, and we bought the best coffee in the world. I swore I had a caffeine rush, but afterward, my limbs were controlling me. My arms were rising involuntarily, and my torso would twist one direction until someone stopped me.
As tourist, we had to tour the city, but after an hour of walking around, we were all exhausted. Therefore, as clear thinking college students, the four of us crammed into a circular bench and took a nap there. Of course we were good enough to not bring anything valuable. I can't remember how long we slept, but that nap rejuvenated everyone. We were all excited and wanted to do things.
And of course, we visited the Red Light District. It was cleaner that I expected. And I felt sad for all those women. They just stand in a tiny room with a glass window in a bikini, trying to look sexy so guys would buy them. To my surprise, they were all very attractive. Although there was no guarantee that they were women their entire lives. From what I heard, they get gradually hotter as you walk toward the center. However, the hottest ones are on the outside, they are also half man.
I was still on my caffeine rush and I bought a cheeseburger off the street. Then we tried a special type of Amsterdam nut, I forgot what it was called, but it had the horrible after taste. The taste is so bad that this happened after I ate some of it: I walked toward the bathroom and just couldn't hold it in anymore, so I ran to the closest trash can and throw up in it. 2 more steps later, I realized more is coming and I ran to another trash can and threw up in it. I finally made it to the bathroom gate where we pay, but more came up, and I rushed in without paying. The guard stopped him and asked me to pay, I just pointed at my mouth then the toilet and I assumed he understood what I meant. If you are counting, this is the 3rd time. I'm sure the cheeseburger I bought before had something to do with me upset stomach.
Then came the bad news, one of us apparently had to wait for her friend at a tower in Amsterdam, so for the next 10 hours, we walked around that tower and did nothing else. So let's fast forward to 3AM.
No one is really to go to bed yet, and we heard about a club called Paradigo, and it was on the tourist map. So we all agreed to check it out. We got to the door and realized that the cover charge is 16 euros, since no one is willing to pay if the club is bad, we decided to send me in to check it out. And I wasn't lying when I say this club is one of the best I have ever been too. It have several small dance floors, and a huge one with lasers shooting out everywhere, a DJ in the center, and a second floor where you can look down at the hundreds of people dancing at the bottom.
I am a little pissed about the sign on the club. I saw the sign say "24 Hours". So I assumed it opens, well, 24 hours. Then, at around 4:30, I heard announcements about last call for beer; of course, as a semi-alcoholic, my first reaction was to buy beer as I possibly can. I remember complaining that the club is closing and how it doesn't open 24 hours. We got outside and I took a closer look at the sign, it said "24 Hour to 5 Hour". Damn Europeans, you got us again.
Now we are actually tired, and someone suggested a place we can sleep in. It turned out to be an area between two buildings that had a roof. Perfect, because it was raining that night. I got comfortable and went to sleep.
...
Suddenly, someone woke me up and told me we had to leave. I didn't ask at the moment, and I just went with them. Apparently, an off duty cop came over and told us we need to leave or his partner will come and fine us 100 euros. I don't know if we are lucky or not, but as long as we are not fined, we are good to go. So we headed to the one place we know we can take a nap: the train station. Too bad the weather wasn't on our side, and it was freezing that morning, we all just got 2 hours of sleep.
On Saturday, we all decided to just stay sober the entire day so we can enjoy Amsterdam. So this day, we went and saw the IAmsterdam sign twice in two different locations, went into some shops, sneaked into a science museum, and overall had a relaxing day.
We went our separate ways at 8PM, thus ending our 46 crazy hours in Amsterdam.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
The Art of Love, LoveParade
I'm sure most of you know about the LoveParade. No? Well, let's me tell you about it. Sadly, the parade isn't what the name implies, it is not a massive orgy of hundreds of thousands of people. Although if it was, I probably would be the only one going, and my camera would probably be filled with videos that would be a disgrace to me, the people around me, and the entire human race.
But all of that isn't true. The LoveParade is a parade of techno music in Duisburg, Germany this year, parading about love or something like that. And no, it's not weird that my made up shit was more descriptive of the actual information. It is usually help in Berlin, but for some reason, the organizers decided it was time to downgrade. Fortunately, Duisburg was only a short 1 hour train ride away from me, so i was able to go.
There were about 15 of us who wanted to go. And among the 15, most wanted to go to Bonn first, and I was one of those people. Sadly, as always I snoozed my alarm, and never woke up on time. I got a phone call about 15 minutes before the train left asking where I was. By then everyone was already at the train stain and didn't want to wait for me. Fuck them. So, I just called the others who wanted to go straight to Duisburg, so at least I won't miss the parade. This turned out to be a great decision. You will find out later, I want to keep the suspense.How else by M Night Shyamalan sell movies.
As always, I went into the train station completely unprepared, I didn't even bother buying a train ticket beforehand. I went to check the price and it was a staggering 60 euros for a one way ticket. Fuck that, this parade wasn't that good. Fortunately, I happened to ran into some other Americans who are also going to Duisburg, so I just went with them with a group ticket. They were in the same city but doing a different research program. I saved like 40 euros, and met some cool people. The little Indian dude I sat next to was fucking nuts. Even though I have no recollection of his stories, I remember them as being crazy. Well, maybe not top of the line crazy, my first impression of the kid was a little nerdy engineer. He surprised me a little I guess. While on the train, some random Germans were yelling "Free Beer, free beer." They had a mini keg and bunch of plastic cups. It felt just like home. Even if it was 11AM, I went and got one. Set your timer now.
We got to Duisburg at around 12:30ish, and ate something (I bought the Doner Kebab, it is still to this day one of the most amazing food ever created. It has a round bun split in half, and stuffed with Turkish meat, lettuce, tomato, and mayo. It creates the perfect combination of deliciousness and filling. I am always stuffed when I finish, and yet it is only a fraction of the cost compared to other foods. Unfortunately, since I have been back in America, I have not had the opportunity to taste it again. Nobody here makes it right. I do hope the cab driver who I inspired to come to America and open a Doner restaurant took my advice). We then started to walk toward the parade. It was decently crowded, but not too bad. While slowly walking toward the gates, we passed a retirement home, and everyone was waving and yelling at the old lady standing in front of the window.
We got in right before the parade started, and everyone just settled down in an area while we waited. The first parade bus started to move, and we all stood up to watch. It was quite a scene. Naturally, we kept drinking while waiting for each bus to pass. The beer was surprisingly cheap for a parade, only 3 euros. God, I must have spent 50 euros just on beer.
Then, out of nowhere, I got a text from a friend who went to Bonn asking if I was ok because he heard several people died at the parade. Obvious I am, because otherwise I wouldn't be able to write this. I was really confused at the moment. Later, I found out much more people came to the parade than expected, but the organizers only made one entrance, so 1.4 million people were squeezing through a tiny tunnel trying to get to the parade, and those who fell never had the chance to get up. The only reason the parade wasn't canceled was because the organizers didn't panic from the inside too. It was scary. The people who went to Bonn were locked out from the parade, so that was why I was lucky.
But back to the parade, there were about 10 techno buses, each playing a slightly different style of music. Now, to be clear, I am no techno fan, but when you are that drunk, you are a fan of anything. Only about a hour into the parade, I was separated from Ma'am (nickname for the two people from my program who came with me), and for some reason it was impossible for us to regroup. I kept telling them I was at bus number 7, they would tell me that they were at 7 too. This whole thing was just complicated and very very confusing. After a while, we just gave up.
After seeing all the parade buses, (sadly, there was only one topless girl, and even those are fake) I went to the stage area with the other Americans I came up. The stage had a new DJ every half an hour. The lighting was insanely awesome, check out the view below.
We stayed there til the crack of dawn. I'm fairly sure that the entire place was on lockdown, so we had to stay anyways. During that time, I made friends with a bunch of random Germans. A couple of them just came up to me and wanted a picture, I said why not and took a few. I also got a picture with a dude in a lion suit, and a pirate. There was a random German who kept talking to me about his sister, and how he had so many beautiful women that he didn't know what to do with them. He wanted to set me up with his sister, which I agreed. Unfortunately, due to our insane drunkness, we lost track of everyone. I had to go find my friends, because there was no way I could find my way home on my way. This was about 11PM or so, and this is when I stopped drinking. Now stop your timer, what's my time?
On our walk back to the gates, I saw an ambulance driving in front of us, and someone dared me to jump on, and I chased after it and got on the back. While I was showing off to those who dared me and posing for a picture, I lost my balance and immediately grabbed the door handle. The back door swung open and the ambulance stopped dead on its tracked. I was pretty scared at that moment, so I quickly shut the door and ran back to my group and pretended nothing had happened. The ambulance drove on, and my heart stopped racing.
When we got to the train station, the entire place was packed top to bottom. The train station of a small city wasn't made to accompany 1.4 million people. The train ride way back was especially painful for me. There was no longer a direct connection from Duisburg to Aachen, so we had to ride to Dusseldorf first, then wait for another train to take us back to Aachen. On the train to Dusseldorf, I was standing in the middle of the train when a fight broke out between two Germans. I was nearly caught in the middle. One guy had blood running down his face. It wasn't a pretty picture.The next part of the story was kind of a miracle, the moment I got off the train, I saw Ma'am standing at the train station waiting for the train back to Aachen. Of all the people who I could have found, I found the two people who I lost during the parade.
The whole trip took 4 hours while the way there was only 1. Throughout this 4 hours, I was extremely constipated, but there were no bathroom anywhere. The train bathroom were flooded with shit, it was fucking gross. I didn't talk much during the 3 hour train ride back to Aachen, I spent nearly all of my energy making sure I don't shit myself. The moment we got to Aachen, I told my friends to wait for me and just run as fast as humanly possible to the bathroom, even Usain Bolt would have been impressed. Now, here's the thing about Europeans, they charge you for the bathroom. If I didn't have money on me, I would have been so fucked.
I finally made back to my bed at 5AM, smelling like all sorts of nasty things, so I had to push back my sleep til after a shower. However, this day was a blast, and I set a personal best of 12 straight hours of drinking. I was also fortunate enough to have gone to possibly the last love parade ever. I doubt the organizers will risk killing people again.
But all of that isn't true. The LoveParade is a parade of techno music in Duisburg, Germany this year, parading about love or something like that. And no, it's not weird that my made up shit was more descriptive of the actual information. It is usually help in Berlin, but for some reason, the organizers decided it was time to downgrade. Fortunately, Duisburg was only a short 1 hour train ride away from me, so i was able to go.
There were about 15 of us who wanted to go. And among the 15, most wanted to go to Bonn first, and I was one of those people. Sadly, as always I snoozed my alarm, and never woke up on time. I got a phone call about 15 minutes before the train left asking where I was. By then everyone was already at the train stain and didn't want to wait for me. Fuck them. So, I just called the others who wanted to go straight to Duisburg, so at least I won't miss the parade. This turned out to be a great decision. You will find out later, I want to keep the suspense.How else by M Night Shyamalan sell movies.
As always, I went into the train station completely unprepared, I didn't even bother buying a train ticket beforehand. I went to check the price and it was a staggering 60 euros for a one way ticket. Fuck that, this parade wasn't that good. Fortunately, I happened to ran into some other Americans who are also going to Duisburg, so I just went with them with a group ticket. They were in the same city but doing a different research program. I saved like 40 euros, and met some cool people. The little Indian dude I sat next to was fucking nuts. Even though I have no recollection of his stories, I remember them as being crazy. Well, maybe not top of the line crazy, my first impression of the kid was a little nerdy engineer. He surprised me a little I guess. While on the train, some random Germans were yelling "Free Beer, free beer." They had a mini keg and bunch of plastic cups. It felt just like home. Even if it was 11AM, I went and got one. Set your timer now.
We got to Duisburg at around 12:30ish, and ate something (I bought the Doner Kebab, it is still to this day one of the most amazing food ever created. It has a round bun split in half, and stuffed with Turkish meat, lettuce, tomato, and mayo. It creates the perfect combination of deliciousness and filling. I am always stuffed when I finish, and yet it is only a fraction of the cost compared to other foods. Unfortunately, since I have been back in America, I have not had the opportunity to taste it again. Nobody here makes it right. I do hope the cab driver who I inspired to come to America and open a Doner restaurant took my advice). We then started to walk toward the parade. It was decently crowded, but not too bad. While slowly walking toward the gates, we passed a retirement home, and everyone was waving and yelling at the old lady standing in front of the window.
We got in right before the parade started, and everyone just settled down in an area while we waited. The first parade bus started to move, and we all stood up to watch. It was quite a scene. Naturally, we kept drinking while waiting for each bus to pass. The beer was surprisingly cheap for a parade, only 3 euros. God, I must have spent 50 euros just on beer.
Then, out of nowhere, I got a text from a friend who went to Bonn asking if I was ok because he heard several people died at the parade. Obvious I am, because otherwise I wouldn't be able to write this. I was really confused at the moment. Later, I found out much more people came to the parade than expected, but the organizers only made one entrance, so 1.4 million people were squeezing through a tiny tunnel trying to get to the parade, and those who fell never had the chance to get up. The only reason the parade wasn't canceled was because the organizers didn't panic from the inside too. It was scary. The people who went to Bonn were locked out from the parade, so that was why I was lucky.
But back to the parade, there were about 10 techno buses, each playing a slightly different style of music. Now, to be clear, I am no techno fan, but when you are that drunk, you are a fan of anything. Only about a hour into the parade, I was separated from Ma'am (nickname for the two people from my program who came with me), and for some reason it was impossible for us to regroup. I kept telling them I was at bus number 7, they would tell me that they were at 7 too. This whole thing was just complicated and very very confusing. After a while, we just gave up.
After seeing all the parade buses, (sadly, there was only one topless girl, and even those are fake) I went to the stage area with the other Americans I came up. The stage had a new DJ every half an hour. The lighting was insanely awesome, check out the view below.
We stayed there til the crack of dawn. I'm fairly sure that the entire place was on lockdown, so we had to stay anyways. During that time, I made friends with a bunch of random Germans. A couple of them just came up to me and wanted a picture, I said why not and took a few. I also got a picture with a dude in a lion suit, and a pirate. There was a random German who kept talking to me about his sister, and how he had so many beautiful women that he didn't know what to do with them. He wanted to set me up with his sister, which I agreed. Unfortunately, due to our insane drunkness, we lost track of everyone. I had to go find my friends, because there was no way I could find my way home on my way. This was about 11PM or so, and this is when I stopped drinking. Now stop your timer, what's my time?
On our walk back to the gates, I saw an ambulance driving in front of us, and someone dared me to jump on, and I chased after it and got on the back. While I was showing off to those who dared me and posing for a picture, I lost my balance and immediately grabbed the door handle. The back door swung open and the ambulance stopped dead on its tracked. I was pretty scared at that moment, so I quickly shut the door and ran back to my group and pretended nothing had happened. The ambulance drove on, and my heart stopped racing.
When we got to the train station, the entire place was packed top to bottom. The train station of a small city wasn't made to accompany 1.4 million people. The train ride way back was especially painful for me. There was no longer a direct connection from Duisburg to Aachen, so we had to ride to Dusseldorf first, then wait for another train to take us back to Aachen. On the train to Dusseldorf, I was standing in the middle of the train when a fight broke out between two Germans. I was nearly caught in the middle. One guy had blood running down his face. It wasn't a pretty picture.The next part of the story was kind of a miracle, the moment I got off the train, I saw Ma'am standing at the train station waiting for the train back to Aachen. Of all the people who I could have found, I found the two people who I lost during the parade.
The whole trip took 4 hours while the way there was only 1. Throughout this 4 hours, I was extremely constipated, but there were no bathroom anywhere. The train bathroom were flooded with shit, it was fucking gross. I didn't talk much during the 3 hour train ride back to Aachen, I spent nearly all of my energy making sure I don't shit myself. The moment we got to Aachen, I told my friends to wait for me and just run as fast as humanly possible to the bathroom, even Usain Bolt would have been impressed. Now, here's the thing about Europeans, they charge you for the bathroom. If I didn't have money on me, I would have been so fucked.
I finally made back to my bed at 5AM, smelling like all sorts of nasty things, so I had to push back my sleep til after a shower. However, this day was a blast, and I set a personal best of 12 straight hours of drinking. I was also fortunate enough to have gone to possibly the last love parade ever. I doubt the organizers will risk killing people again.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
The Hooker Story
This story almost didn't happen, because I was suppose to go Amsterdam, and I really had no intention to go to Prague. However, Amsterdam didn't come through, and I decided to go to Prague, since I got nothing else to do. This turned out to be a great decision. It took a long time to get there, but Prague is such a beautiful city. I didn't know this going in, but Prague is one of the top party cities in the world. I was so glad that I came. We did normal tourist stuff during the day, and when the sun fell, we were really to head out.
We stopped by a bar first, and I had absinthe for the first time. It was delicious, not at all strong, and a great way to start off my night. Let's keep count of how much I drank. This is a double shot of about 70% alcohol, so 4. Then I ordered a double shot of some random vodka, so 6. I also ordered a B52 shot, 7 finished half of long island ice tea, so 8. This was only the bar.
We walked to a club, paid the cover, and walked in. It was the best club I have ever been to, no joke. There are five stories: each story had its over theme, music, and lighting. It was so awesome. Nothing too exciting happened at a club, we danced, stopped some creepy dudes from hitting on our friends. At around 4AM, the club closed and we started to walk back to our hostel. While I was in the club, I had 3 long island ice tea, and 4 tequila shots, so 15.
When we were about half way back, a random girl walked up to me; she put one hand on my crotch and started rubbing and other hand on my ass. Due to the amount of alcohol I consumed, I did not realize what she was. I just put my arm around her and enjoyed the free handjob. I just continued to talk to my friends like nothing was happening.
However, my friends started pushing her away. The only thought going through my head was "What the fuck did I do to you guys? Why are you doing this to me? This is cockblocking, literally." I don't remember if I actually asked what they were doing, I just remember I was a bit ticked off. Then, one guy pretended to be my boyfriend and told the girl that I was gay and she should leave.
By now, I finally realized that she was a hooker, and I was thinking straight enough to realize that I do not want to do a hooker, because one, she is a hooker, and two, I have no money in my wallet. I wasted everything on alcohol that night, about 50 dollars. I started to play along as being gay, and another friend came up and kissed me on the cheeks, just in case she needed more proof.
I also tried to push her away; I aimed for her shoulders, but without coordination and motor skills, I missed my target, I was a little low and toward the middle. You guessed, I pushed on her boobs. And they were pretty nice.
Thus end my night and my one and only encounter with a prostitution. What can I say about this experience? Hookers are real people who are just trying to make a living. They are not always ugly hoes; this one was pretty good looking with a pretty good body. All I want to say is, unless you are extremely desperate, don't do a hooker. But if you are, remember that you might be helping to feed her 5 children.
We stopped by a bar first, and I had absinthe for the first time. It was delicious, not at all strong, and a great way to start off my night. Let's keep count of how much I drank. This is a double shot of about 70% alcohol, so 4. Then I ordered a double shot of some random vodka, so 6. I also ordered a B52 shot, 7 finished half of long island ice tea, so 8. This was only the bar.
We walked to a club, paid the cover, and walked in. It was the best club I have ever been to, no joke. There are five stories: each story had its over theme, music, and lighting. It was so awesome. Nothing too exciting happened at a club, we danced, stopped some creepy dudes from hitting on our friends. At around 4AM, the club closed and we started to walk back to our hostel. While I was in the club, I had 3 long island ice tea, and 4 tequila shots, so 15.
When we were about half way back, a random girl walked up to me; she put one hand on my crotch and started rubbing and other hand on my ass. Due to the amount of alcohol I consumed, I did not realize what she was. I just put my arm around her and enjoyed the free handjob. I just continued to talk to my friends like nothing was happening.
However, my friends started pushing her away. The only thought going through my head was "What the fuck did I do to you guys? Why are you doing this to me? This is cockblocking, literally." I don't remember if I actually asked what they were doing, I just remember I was a bit ticked off. Then, one guy pretended to be my boyfriend and told the girl that I was gay and she should leave.
By now, I finally realized that she was a hooker, and I was thinking straight enough to realize that I do not want to do a hooker, because one, she is a hooker, and two, I have no money in my wallet. I wasted everything on alcohol that night, about 50 dollars. I started to play along as being gay, and another friend came up and kissed me on the cheeks, just in case she needed more proof.
I also tried to push her away; I aimed for her shoulders, but without coordination and motor skills, I missed my target, I was a little low and toward the middle. You guessed, I pushed on her boobs. And they were pretty nice.
Thus end my night and my one and only encounter with a prostitution. What can I say about this experience? Hookers are real people who are just trying to make a living. They are not always ugly hoes; this one was pretty good looking with a pretty good body. All I want to say is, unless you are extremely desperate, don't do a hooker. But if you are, remember that you might be helping to feed her 5 children.
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