Night at Hofbräuhaus

For those of you unfortunate enough to have never been to hofbrauhaus, I feel terribly sad for you. It is absolutely one of the best places to go, for the food, for some of the best beers in the world, and of course for drunk chicks looking to party. There are only three hofbrauhaus in the United States: Chicago, Las Vegas, and, of course, good old Pittsburgh. Hofbrauhaus is not a cheap man's hangout, the cheapest beer on the menu is five dollars for a half liter of beer. If you aren't prepared to go all out, I would suggest a local college bar during happy hour.

About a week ago, I was approached by my friend Little who was attending graduate school. He told me that the graduate school was hosting an event at hofbrauhaus, and I was able to get free food and free beer. Knowing me, I would have skipped a test for this, and next day lied about missing class with some lame excuse like I got ran over by a car.

Little picked me up and one of his graduate friends, FemaleFriend. We chit chatted the way there. It took forever to find parking. It was like the universe did not want me to get drunk. We would drive by a street, and there would be a spot on the opposite side of the street. We took a u-turn and realized that the spot was taken. I don't know why the old man and I don't get along, maybe because I'm not convinced that he existed. Stepping aside from religious talk, because frankly it is very boring. Why the fuck do I care what an old man is doing in Rome, besides providing candy to the local boys club. Eventually we did manage to find a spot, which was a 10 minute walk. Fuck street parking.

Because Little wanted to be the first one there so he could get all the food, we got there five minutes after 7, when the event literally just started. There was no one there, but no complain from me. This just meant there was more food that I can pour down my stomach.

On the menu were potato pancake, chicken strips, salads, and weird sour tasting balls. And of course my personal favorite, beers. Delicious German beers.

Every person at the event was given 2 tickets. Each ticket could be traded in for a half liter beer. And the food was all you can eat. I met some new people, ate a shit ton of food, told my hooker story to a black couple. I was completely stuffed within an hour.

I have already used up my two tickets, seeing that Little was the designated driver, he handed me his second ticket. Now I was at 1.5 liters. Those who know me know that I rarely stops drinking, even if I knew that my body couldn't handle it. The worst feeling was when your stomach was filled with food, but instead of letting it rest and digest, you pour beer in it. After I barely finished my 3rd beer. I was ready to explode, not because I drank too much, but because I reached the storage limit set by my body. As a gentleman, I excused myself to the bathroom, and proceeds to puke out everything from beer to chewed up chicken bits. I must have been in there for 5 minutes. Like the egotistic maniac that I am, I didn't bother to lock the door. I want to share my glory with the rest of the world. Everybody just walked by, starred at me and left. You would think that someone would at least have the decency to ask if I was ok. Fuck them, I don't need anybody.

When my system was throughly flushed, I went back to my table, saddened by the fact that I had no tickets left for more beer. At that very moment, I had a bright idea.

Me "I'm gonna to get more tickets."
Little "how are you going to do that?"
Me "there are people handing out tickets when you check in right?"
Little "there is no way you can get tickets."
Me "watch and learn."

I slowly walked over to the registration table, started to flip through the sign in sheet. I had to find a name that matched my nationality, so it was taking longer than someone who is signing as themselves.

RegisterLady "hi, can I help you?"
Me "how is this list organized? By department?"
RegisterLady "it's by last name. What's your name?"

At this point, I honestly thought she was going to see through my bullshit and tell me to fuck off. I had trouble finding a name that matched my ethnicity. At the moment, I immediately looked down at the sheet, and fortunately, I found a name.

Me "that's me. Found it, you would think I know what my own name is."

That managed a giggle. She handed me my two tickets. I walked back to my table, with one ticket in each hand, deliberately showing off to my friend. And I got another liter. This of course was followed by a second date between my face and the toilet.

As I walked back to my table from the bathroom, I realized that RegisterLady was off duty. A random dude was at the sign in table. I could con more tickets out of him. This time, I was prepared. I swiftly walked to the table, found the name I used to sign -last time, put a imaginary check on that name, the guy handed me two tickets. There went another liter. Honestly speaking, I was really fucking drunk at this point, even if I puked up half of what I drank. It is common decency to put out after the third date. Unfortunately my 3rd date with the toilet seat didn't go well, and I went back with blue balls.

Unfortunately, when i got out of the bathroom this time, the same guy was still at the sign in table. I wouldn't be able to get more tickets. For some reason, my table was encouraging me to get more drinks. One girl even offered to go ask her friends to see if they had any extra. There were also random guys who were just handing me their tickets. I guess I was everybody's entertainment monkey. No problem with that, more alcohol for me. This was only 11:30, and I already drank 5 liters of German beer, which has a higher alcohol content than normal beer. I also threw up about 5 liters. But that wasn't until I soaked up all the alcohol. I was near blacking out.

In hofbrauhaus, there is a tradition of dancing on tables. I was in a state with no inhibition. I saw a girl was dancing by herself, so I offered my company. When the song was over, I realized that she had a hotter friend. So naturally, I did what most men with common sense would do, pawn her off on someone else and dance with the hotter chick.

We did some weird tango. Fuck I don't know. Whatever, we danced. Then I saw the most amazing thing. On stage, there were 5 dudes, all holding a ski. Line up on that ski were 5 shots. Then, on a count of 3, they all did the shot. That was so fucking awesome. Naturally, I went around yelling at everyone to do the shotski with me. My girl was the only one who wanted to take it with me. Fine, good enough for me, she was all I need anyways. Here is what's so fucked about it. That whole thing cost 25 bucks. It was so fucking over priced. But drunk me never knew how to effectively spend my money. Unfortunately, I only had 20 on me. I went back to my table almost in tears, and like the cheap bastards my friends are, no one offered to pay the difference. My dream was dead. At this point, realizing that I was broke, like the gold digging whore that she is, she decided to go home. But I stand by what I always say, hot whores are allowed to be bitchy. Unfortunately, I lacked to attention span to remember her name. I just moved on to another girl named Ink, ironically she had no tattoo.

Since this was Thursday, hofbrauhaus closes at 11. Since we are dickheads who don't leave on time, we stayed til 12.

The rest are according to the accounts of Little and my roommate Barney. I am just summarizing what they told me.

During our 10 minute walk to the car, since i was still obsessed with that GoldDigger, and FemaleFriend knew her name but refused to tell me, I spent the entire time with my arms wrapped around her as we walked. I finally let go once we got into the car, but still whined about this the whole ride back.

About 5 minutes in, I told Little to stop the car. I got out of the car, immediately puked my guts out. After I drained all the fluids in my stomach, I unzipped my pants and drain the fluid in my bladder as well.This occurred in the parking lot of a grocery store.

Now, even though I was blacked out drunk, I still managed to correctly use my keys and got back to my apartment. Barney was sitting on the couch watching TV. I got in, and immediately fell on top of my lamp. Then I tied to fix it, but obviously that didn't go well. Barney told me not to worry about it and told me to go to bed. 2 second later, I fell again but this time on top of my table, which is really a door. This time, I had absolutely no motor skills to get up this time. Unfortunate, my stomach was acting up again.

Me "I need to throw up. Drag me to the bathroom."

The next thing I knew it was 6AM. I woke up on my bathroom floor, which was fucking freezing. I didn't need to wake up for class for a few more hours, so I got undressed and went to bed.

I woke up at 11:30, and my class was at 12. I didn't have time to shower, and I just decide to wear the same shit I had on the night before. I just need to get through the next couple of hours ad I could be in bed again. Half way through my class, I got up to go to the bathroom. There is a large mirror in the bathroom, I looked in the mirror. There was a yellow stain that's about 3 inches wide that ran all the way down the front of my shirt. I must have thrown up on it or just spilled beer on it.

I had to run home in the middle my class to change my shirt. It took me 29 minutes to do that. Whereas I had 30 minutes when I woke up that I could have changed. What the fuck is wrong with me?