Crazy Bitch Gazette

Tonight was my last night in the grand city where I interned. Since I was literally the last intern left, and going out with my 40 year old coworkers isn't all that appealing. I decided to head to a familiar bar, hoping to meet some lovely people. My head was filled with thoughts about getting drunk (which i didn't btw) that I did not pack at all. It was a fucking terrible decision. My point of destination is a small gay bar in downtown; it was my favorite by default cause it was the only bar that didn't card me. Unfortunately for me, I was somewhat responsible. I had to drive myself this time, and therefore could not shower myself with alcohol. Still, it's the environment that counts, right?

Last time I went this bar, I specifically asked the bartender for fire drinks, and he presented me with a whole variety of them. I tried the Flaming Lamborghini. It involved a variety of five types of liquor. Three were poured in a wine glass, and it was lit on fire. While I drank as fast as I physically could with a fucking coffee straw, while the straw slowly melted in the fire (so I'm drinking plastic), he poured the other two drinks in the glass. It was so fucking strong. It was also at this time that I gave up my car keys that night.

But you know, not dying was the ultimate goal, so I stayed relatively sober and just had a few drinks. Now, back to the real story. Because this is literally a goddamn ghost town, the bar had less than ten people, on a Friday night. You think people actually do things. I scouted the room: there were four old gay dudes, and 1 hot blond sitting by herself at the end of the bar. I went over to chat her up. She obviously knew my intention, so I quickly found out that she had a boyfriend of two years.

"So why are you drinking here by yourself?"
"My boyfriend is in downtown Pittsburgh."
"So you decided to drink alone at a bar."
"Yeah, I guess."
"Bullshit, aren't you here to suck off hot guys in the bathroom?"
(yes, I know that doesn't make any sense, but I figure she's long shot anyways, might as well go for the hail mary)
"No no no no, I'm serious. Here's a picture of him."
When I saw the picture, I gave up on her. However, since she is the only girl in the entire bar, I decided to stay and talk to her, so I don't get hit on by old gay dudes. She told me her story: how she dropped out of school, but then decided to go back for her education degree. Now, she taught in middle school. I think...

Then I told my story. I mean MY STORIES. Everything in this blog was fair game. She seemed to enjoy it. However, as the night went on, I became more and more bored with her. It's like investing in something while fully knowing that you'll get shit back. Here's where the night took a turn, a girl walked in with a black dude. The reason that I noticed them is because they are really, really fucking loud. It was at this time that the blond decided to leave. She hugged me and said see you later. I don't even remember her name.

I then proceeded to talk to the power couple. They seemed to be cool. The black dude acted as if he is gay, but when I asked him about it. He said "I'm not gay. Although I did let a guy blow me when I was on coke. I doubt that counts." The girl just giggled the entire time.

Time flew, and in no time it was 1AM. It was at this time that I discovered two things. One, the power couple met tonight. Two, the girl is obsessed with me, for whatever fucking reason. The black dude took off. I shared a drink or two with the girl, and it was time to go home. I offered her a ride home, hoping she would invite me to her place. But it actually turned out better; she asked if she can see my place that I have been bragging about the entire time. (My company set me up with a 3 bedroom townhouse with one other intern, who had moved out at this time). It was perfect, mainly because I am moving out of that house the next day. No complications. We got back, gave her a quick tour, and headed to the bedroom.

She kept saying that she was nervous and needed alcohol to calm her down. (This should've been my first warning about her, but as usual, my head isn't doing the thinking.) I went to my fridge and brought up a bottle of vodka, she chugged it like it was water. While she was drinking, she kept telling me to be patient, and she was willing to do whatever I wanted. This girl was serious weird, we kissed for a second, and she immediately move to remove my pants. Usually girls like the foreplay, but I guess she didn't.

She did something I never expected. She pored vodka on my dick. I was surprised when I realized what happened, and was freaking out because I thought it was gonna burn. Strangely, it was just a warm sensation, and I actually enjoyed it. So I lied back down.

Here's when everything took a fucked up turn. While she was blowing me, for one she didn't shut up. Even though she kept telling me that she would do whatever I wanted, and I told her to shut up. Quite the irony.
This is a list of private things about her that I found out while my dick was in her mouth.

• She gave her 49 year old married neighbor a blowjob. (She was 25)
• She didn't loose her virginity til she was 23. And the guy didn't even want to do it.
• She has suspicion that she was taken advantage of by her father.  

She's quite the catch. You would think that at this point, I should kick her ass out. But you all know no guy will ever do that. Eventually she did stop talking and continued her work, after I gave her a few pointers of course. She was under the covers while I lied on the bed. Sometime it does get a little boring, so I would grab my computer and check my email, facebook, and nfl. Worth it.

At this point it was 4AM, I am tired, so I told her to stop blowing me and open up her legs. She didn't want to have sex, because she thought I didn't have condoms. She was willing to do anal, and I thought why not. Unfortunately, it was more difficult than I expected. Her ass was really tight. Obviously I wasn't willing to put in the work, so I flipped her over for regular sex. She was still unwilling, so I said "That's fine. Well, I need to go to bed soon, I'll drive you home." For some reason, this worked, and she changed her mind, and was begging for it. I got out my condom, and we fucked. When I finished, she wanted to fuck again, and told me not to use condoms this time because she wanted to have my babies. How fucked up is that? I stared at her, and started laughing. After two minutes of that, I told her that I really need to sleep, and she should go home. I even offered her a ride, since it was 5AM.

We walked downstairs. And it was at the point she broke down. She started crying and refused to move. She kept crying shit like
"Do you know what it was like to not lose your virginity til you are 23...I don't know why I blew my neighbor, he asked for it so I gave it to him...There's no one who care about me, and I don't care about anyone...You are so nice to me, and I don't even know why...If you leave, I don't know what I'll do...I live alone in my apartment and there's no one there.''

Obviously if I was in any state of mind where I cared about nothing else except sleeping, I would feel bad for her. But all I wanted was to lie on my queen size bed and sleep like a baby. Unfortunately, she kept me up by not leaving. And I do not trust her to let me sleep in my house. I have confirmed that at this point she was completely nuts, what if she steals something valuable just so I can't leave. I had to get her out and go to bed, because it's closer to 6AM.

Then it got so much worse. Her monologue took a much darker turn.
CrazyBitch "You know what, I don't even want to live anymore. You should just hit me with your car."
Me "Are you fucking crazy? I'm not doing anything to you. Just fucking go home."
CrazyBitch "I don't want to go home, just do it. I don't even care."

At this point, I had enough. I began to yell at the top of my lungs that she had got to go. This went on for another 20 minutes, until she finally gave in and got in my car. See, I'm nice enough to drive her back, but I did tune her out the entire ride so I don't have to hear her, only occasionally ask her to tell me how to get to her apartment.

Unfortunately, when we arrived, she refused to get out of my car unless I do as well. She wanted to show me the tattoo she was going to get, which was a creep girl's face. Completely fucked up. I said cool and began to head for the door. She hurried to the door, blocked it, and put her hand around me so I couldn't leave. Since I am so fucking strong, I managed to get out. To stop her from whining more, I let her give me her phone number, and the contact name was "Crazy Murderous Bitch."

The entire drive home, I just couldn't stop laughing at everything that had happened. If she wasn't so fucking nuts, I would have felt bad. I know, I'm an asshole, but I'm ok with it. When I got home, right as I was about to go to bed, I realized that there are two separate stains on my bed: one from the vodka she poured on me, and the other near where her vagina was. Apparently she was on her period (this explained why she had to go use my bathroom to get ready.) It was fucking disgusting. There's no way I would sleep in that bed; so I went to the other bedroom and slept on a fresh clean bed. I've never slept better.